This is a lighthearted response to JD Roth's laundry agreement that he has with his wife. The sound-bite version of this fascinating agreement goes something like this:
- JD and his wife, Kris, have kept their finances separate throughout their marriage.
- JD despises doing laundry and would do it only if there were nothing clean left to wear. He would hate every minute of doing the laundry, sometimes would unintentionally leave the clothes in the washer to mildew, etc.
- Eventually Kris got fed up, and proposes The Laundry Agreement: Kris will do JD's laundry in exchange for JD making sure that Kris' car is always gassed up, on his nickel.
JD agreed. Fifteen years later, the agreement stands, and it works like a charm. This agreement, as well as keeping their finances separate, works very well for them, as it all but eliminates arguments about money. That's fantastic! There's not a single thing wrong with JD and Kris doing things that way.
I just know that it's completely impractical for my wife and I to go down this road. The main reason is that I bring in almost all of the income for our household.
Separating finances leads to subtle issues with one breadwinner
JD and Kris both have jobs that bring in income. He's a very successful blogger and author, and she's a scientist. (Allegedly a good one to boot — JD says repeatedly that she's always right. Or maybe that's another key to eliminating arguments. But I digress … ) They both contribute money directly into the household. With both partners chipping in income, it's reasonable either to keep separate finances or combine them.
My household is different. I bring in the money (mostly) with my day job, with a relatively modest contribution from my blogging activities. My wife, on almost all accounts, works harder than I do. She spends each weekday exclusively with our daughter (both as her mother and as her teacher in our one-student homeschool) and keeps the household running smoothly. Our household is perhaps more stereotypically traditional: the husband goes to work while the wife raises the kids.
Just about everything is joint in our household. When we're going out to lunch or dinner (which we're trying to do a little less these days) we joke: “Hey honey, can you pay this time?” (It's the same credit card account regardless of which one of us pays.)
I don't really see it working any other way for us. Since I bring in almost all of the money, doing separate finances would be awkward. What would it really accomplish to separate mine and my wife's “money” under these circumstances?
- I would be setting up a power structure with the money.
- I would have to decide how much was “hers.”
- She'd have to ask me for more if she needed it.
- It really would look, and feel, like I'm giving my wife an allowance.
Now, if my wife were careless with money and I were careful, then I'd be wise to control the money for our financial well-being. But this isn't the case. My wife is not careless with money. Yet with separate finances, I'd have to control her money as if she were careless with it, by the simple fact that there's almost no other money coming in but mine.
To be blunt, it would be insulting to my wife for me to do this.
In our case, we need to work as a team to make sure that we're using the paychecks that I bring into the household wisely. That's the fairest and also the most respectful way for us to handle our finances. Because it's a common pot of money, we have arguments about it, but resolving these arguments strengthens both the finances and the marriage.
Ultimately, though, joint finances or separate finances merely sets up a framework for reaching financial goals:
- “I bring in the money for both of us. Let's draft up some financial goals, create a budget, and decide how much to allocate to each spending category to meet those goals.”
- “We both bring in money. Let's draft up some financial goals, create a budget, and decide who pays how much into each spending category in order to reach those goals.”
They're not that different, are they? Which, in the end, means that JD and Kris can do things their way, and my wife and I can do things our way. The ends justify the means, so to speak.
There is, however, a small side bonus for doing things my way. I'm not caught under the specter of rising gas prices gun like JD is. Before too long, he'll either be hiring out his laundry service or doing it himself with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, because he will have to pay Kris $500/month to do it under his current Laundry Agreement.
(Just teasing. 😉 )
Awesome post, MBH. As you know, I absolutely agree with you. It’s important for every couple to work out what works for them. There’s no one right way to do this…
My wife and I have always combined our finances and for us, we can’t imagine doing anything else. We’ve talked about it several times.
One of the things that we do that has been part of our 24+ years of teamwork in this area is we each get an allowance to do with as we please. In lean times it’s been as little as $20/month. In better times it’s been much higher. Other than that allowance we work together to stretch our budget as much as possible. We always have.
As you said though. The key is to develop a framework within your marriage that helps you work as a team to accomplish your financial goals. The most important thing is the teamwork.