Today I celebrate seven years of being married to the best woman in the world. (Even though the traditional wedding gift for the seventh wedding anniversary is copper, I decided against giving my wife a bunch of pre-1982 Lincoln cents.)
I've certainly grown up a lot about how I interact with my wife regarding money (as has she). Here are seven things I've learned over the past seven years:
- Money can cause really bad arguments. This isn't surprising at all: Google “biggest causes of marital arguments” and money is well represented. At the beginning of our marriage I couldn't believe how quickly the money was going out of the checking account, and of course it was all her fault. 😉 What I've learned to do is talk about things sooner so that my thoughts don't come down on her like an avalanche. That, and I realize that some of the money issues are my fault, too.
- Money matters only get more complicated. Some things get easier with marriage, but money isn't one of them. Getting married is a new step in complexity. Having a child introduces more complexity. Things break, need maintenance, need upgrading. Retirement and college need funding.
- Talking about money does wonders. The sooner and more often, the better. Getting things out in the open reduces the uncertainty in each others' motives, and though it might create more stress initially, it's far better than keeping things a secret. Secrets in a marriage in general are a killer.
- Money decisions aren't always about money. Communication isn't just about talking, but is also about listening. Listening to figure out the real reason for an off-the-wall suggestion. Listening to understand the reasons behind the whys and why-nots about money decisions.
- Money mistakes are water under the bridge. I still occasionally deliver a low blow about a bonehead money maneuver, but far less than I used to. Money can be replaced. It's not the end of the world if we spend $100 more on something than we needed to.
- Gifts don't have to be huge or expensive. And for this, I'm very thankful. It really is the thought that counts.
- There are things far more important than money. As important as money is in a relationship, love, forgiveness, respect, grace, laughter, and commitment are far more important. The money can come and go, but it's the relationship with God and with each other that will endure.
Totally agree about it not being about money sometimes. And the biggest tip I have (I've been married for around 9 months) is to talk, talk, talk. Not only that, communicate and be honest.
It's the easiest, smoothest way to get through stuff.
First, she can't be the best woman in the world, I married her about 20 years ago. 😉
I do agree that communication is crucial in dealing with finances. Once we started working from a budget, and agreeing on where our money was going to be spent, things got even better.
Congratulations on 7 years.
Just wanted to say that I think this post is really beautiful. Nice to hear people appreciating their spouses so wonderfully. Communication is the great healer in nearly all situations.
Just wanted to say I like the post.
I'm freshly married as of last October, and we're still working on finding a balance with money.
Don't get me wrong. We have the same priorities and goals. We're both responsible and respectful with our spending.
I'm just a details kind of guy. To an obsessive point. She just likes to know that everything is OK.
I recently realized that my attention to detail often makes her feel nervous, so I need to make more of a point that things are really OK. I guess it all comes down to communication.
I really like you saying that gifts don't have to be huge or expensive. We recently stopped trying to outdo each other, and instead have started making joint donations to charity instead of buying each other gifts. We save money, help a good cause, and feel better about ourselves.
For Christmas, we made a donation to the humane society, and we'll probably do the same for Valentines Day.
I love doing that…it takes so much pressure off of me!
The argument lesson is so true. Just last night I had to tweak my conversation about our cell bill being high last statement. It is important to keep things in perspective and not fly off the handle for small things.
Wonderful post! I completely agree with money decisions aren’t always about money. Two people with two different perspectives can lead to divergent plans. Asking for explanations can help you understand what's really being decided.
You're right about arguments because of money. I've had them more than..I have no idea how many times! Countless. By the way, congratulations on your 7 years of marriage. =)
Great information about money.
I have personally been through a few
problems with my mate about money
especially when she make a lot more.
I learn some new info today as well good content.
Being new to sharing money with another persn
i still say talk talk talk. and be fair.
My wife and I have been happily married for 9 years right from the first date we have ALWAYS KEPT OUR MONEY SEPARATE. We Each have separate Bank Accounts. She makes her money at her job and that goes into her bank account. I make my own money at my job/business and that money goes into my account.
We each contribute 50% of the bills/payments, etc. This way we both win because we are each paying 1/2 what it would REALLY cost if we lived apart. This is a constant reminder that we have it MUCH BETTER by being Together.
If we eat out, we split the bill, my wife will throw in roughly 1/2 of whatever the bill+tip comes to. This way we are treating EACH OTHER to a nice night out.
If I want to buy my wife a gift, it’s easy because I simply use MY MONEY to do so. Likewise if my wife wants to go shopping and buy herself something she has her own money to spend however she wishes.
If we go on vacation we EACH put up 1/2 of whatever it cost to go on vacation then we both contribute to the food, gas, etc.
If we make a big purchase such as furniture or something big for the house we each put in 1/2 of the cost and we BOTH get to enjoy it as if we paid for 100% of it by ourselves.
I swear keeping the money separate is MUCH BETTER than getting a joint bank account in marriage. There is NO WAY that putting everything in one big pile is every going to be fair. You have to ASK the other person to buy anything… Screw that. My wife and I are adults, we will spend our money the way WE Choose to. The best part is, my wife is not some lame duck who expect me to pay for EVERYTHING, she is a smart capable woman who can stand on her own 2 feet. She’s not living with me because I’m her Meal Ticket. She’s with me because she WANTS to be with me for love and great sex. Not $$$.