I KNEW they were out to get me!

Difficult customers, beware! Bottom feeders, watch out!

Stores have had it with you if you're a “bad customer.”

Stores are taking note of customers who drain resources while keeping a tight grip on their wallet or returning an outfit that they “bought” and wore out for one evening. These below zeros are furtively guided elsewhere by tactics ranging from long waits on the phone to refused returns to less-attentive customer service to being taken off of mailing lists advertising special deals.

In some ways this makes a lot of sense from the store's standpoint: Why cater to the customers that know all of your tricks and whittle your profits down to nothing? The Pareto Principle holds true here. If you're a store, the way to use this to your advantage is not only to red-carpet the 20% that bring you 80% of your business, but also discourage the 80% from doing business with you.

I'm aware of this, and I understand that it's a waste of a merchant's time to pepper them with questions when I know full well that I'm going to buy online, or used, at a discount. There are only so many times that you can do that before you start getting the cold shoulder.

But on the flip side, isn't it a bit hypocritical of stores to adversite sales or offer a price-match guarantee — then penalize the people who take them at their word? I've had cashiers scan an item that was the wrong price, and when I call attention to the mis-scan guarantee that's right over their head they look at me and say, “So what?” It's like a Certificate of Authenticity for something sold on an infomercial — it means nothing.

So, here's a quick checklist of ways to get on the good side of a retailer:

Spend TONS of money. Walk into the store slathering with cash and leave bursting at the seams with merchandise, each and every time.
Always pay full price for everything. Bottom feeders are a hated breed. Proudly walk past the clearance racks and become a key player in adding to the store's bottom line!
Never, ever return anything. Even if it was a piece of junk and broke three days after you bought it, always remember that the retailer never wants to see the merchandise in the store again.

Any other amusing, anti-bargain-hunting ideas?