I didn't do a huge amount of financial due diligence when I was dating my wife and after I became engaged to her. At most, I had a warm fuzzy feeling that she wasn't too badly in debt and that she could cover (barely, perhaps) her bills with her job. The finances didn't concern me that much because I was wrapped up in “the relationship thing,” but in retrospect I could have been blindsided with debt pretty badly.
Would I have cut bait had I found out that by spouse-to-be's debt load was in six figures? Alison Brooke Eastman's fiance did. He supposedly knew going in that his betrothed's debt was in six figures (“over $100,000”) but finding out that the amount was actually $170,000 was too much. He broke off the engagement just three days later.
This was a wise thing for him to do. Love looks past a lot of things, and I'm not saying that love and commitment can't look past $170,000 worth of debt — most of it for a bachelor's degree in photography — but those $1,100 checks, month after month, until February of never, are a constant source of friction. It's a big rock in the budget for a good chunk of the marriage, and it displaces retirement savings, college savings, even emergency funds. Marriage is challenging enough without knowingly going in at a financial handicap.
This is the dark side of full financial disclosure. Talking about money can do wonders, sure, but it can't accomplish miracles all by itself, and it's just the beginning of fixing any problems. Sometimes, however, the truth just plain hurts so badly that it's also the end; it's better (for the person less in debt, anyway) to call the whole thing off and to be more pragmatic in searching for a mate. (Succeeding by this benchmark isn't trivial, though, as the average student graduates with something north of $20,000 in debt.)
Talking about net worth usually isn't appropriate for first dates, but it shouldn't be first mentioned on the honeymoon, either. At that point, it's no longer her debt, or his debt, but their debt. If dealing with “your joint debt” doesn't sound appealing, then find out about it sooner rather than later.
I sense a post from me on this topic… Yeah, I’m feeling it coming. GREAT post and good topic.
The young man made a good decision. The debt his future wife was carrying would have decided the path of their lives for decades to come. It would have influenced the house they could (or could not) buy, the number of children they have, the travel they can’t experience…
The debt also showed that his future wife would be bad with money. Not only did she rack up that kind of debt on a worthless degree, but (according to the story I read) she was oblivious to the actual amount owed and what it would take to pay it off.
If she comes into the relationship that bad with money, it’s not going to change when she has his paycheck to squander too.
I feel sorry for the young woman, as she’s now eternally Googleable for this issue, but that’s the economic age we live in. It’s time to pay the piper.
Wow I can’t necessarily imagine the situation; of course I’ve dated people who didn’t have a lot of money, but that much debt? I don’t know what I would do in that situation. It’s definitely something to talk about before walking down the aisle, but is breaking up with someone because of their debt considered shallow?
That is a lot of debt to take on for that man. It’s good that he realized what he was getting himself into before it was too late. That is a huge financial burden that they would have for years and years to come and although it may have been love, there are definitely some things love can’t conquer.